Agony aunt offers guidance on a cocaine-addicted spouse and past grooming trauma

A You Magazine agony aunt column by Caroline West‑Meads, published September 25, 2025, tackles two deeply personal crises faced by readers. In one letter, a reader describes a high‑powered husband in his late 40s who has become increasingly reliant on cocaine, with the problem straining family life and eroding trust. In a separate submission, a woman who was groomed as a teenager recounts an abortion and a failed marriage, and asks how to tell her ex about what happened years earlier. West‑Meads’s responses emphasize practical steps, professional support, and a focus on safety and healing for those involved, including children who may be affected by parental substance use and abuse.

The cocaine case centers on a lifestyle that outsiders might view as flawless: two young children, a stable home, a successful career and ample financial means. Yet the letter-writer says the husband’s cocaine use has become harder to ignore. He allegedly uses it to cope with long hours and pressure at work, or to celebrate after landing new clients. The result, she says, is mood volatility, argumentative outbursts, and behavior that can be hurtful or deceitful. Those around him—including his partner and children—bear the emotional toll, while the husband remains in denial about the problem, convinced that earning a good salary and paying the bills means he is “in control.”

West‑Meads counsels readers not to minimize the impact of such addiction or to blame themselves for a loved one’s choices. She urges a calm, compassionate, but firm conversation during a moment when the partner is not emotionally charged. Using “I” statements—such as “I feel scared when you…”—is recommended to communicate impact without triggering defensiveness. The columnist notes that denial is common, and that messages should be repeated with gentle persistence until the person is ready to seek professional help. Setting boundaries is also essential—not as ultimatums, but as honest statements about what one can and cannot tolerate for the sake of safety and family health. If things do not change, she says, consideration of whether the marriage can continue may be necessary.

For practical support, West‑Meads points readers to resources aimed at both partners and families. She highlights Smart Recovery as a venue offering groups for partners or families, alongside separate programs for the person with the addiction. She also references Adfam and We Are With You as additional avenues for guidance and practical tools to cope with the realities of addiction within a family. The emphasis is on safeguarding children, addressing health risks, and pursuing professional treatment that can address underlying issues while supporting the affected family unit. The overall message is one of careful, informed progression rather than quick fixes, with an acknowledgment that recovery often requires sustained effort and professional involvement.

The second letter addresses a different, equally painful issue. The writer shares that she became pregnant at 18 after an abusive grooming relationship with a married family friend who pressured her toward abortion. She wonders whether she should tell her ex-husband now about the grooming and the abortion, hoping to reconcile. West‑Meads responds with clear, compassionate guidance: the ordeal was not her fault, and the shame belongs with the abuser. Before disclosing the past to an ex-partner, she recommends seeking counselling to process the grooming experience and the abortion, pointing to Rape Crisis as a starting point for support. If she chooses to confide in her ex, she should do so when she feels emotionally ready and prepared for the possibility that reconciliation may not occur. The piece stresses that there are no guarantees in relationships, but that open dialogue about past abuse can be part of healing if done with care and support.

Taken together, the column illustrates how readers seek guidance on intimate, high-stakes issues that intersect culture, family dynamics, and personal health. It also underscores the importance of accessible, nonjudgmental support networks for people navigating addiction, abuse, and trauma. The responses emphasize practical steps—calm communication, boundaries, and professional help—while acknowledging the long arc of recovery and healing for individuals and families alike. Readers are reminded that help exists beyond the home, in community organizations and specialized services that address both addiction and the enduring impact of grooming and abuse.