Bel Mooney tackles whether to leave a husband over his boozing in a column exploring choice and victimhood

Bel Mooney’s latest advice column centers on a stark question: when does love give way to intolerable strain, and should someone stay with a spouse who drinks heavily? In a piece that draws from two reader letters, Mooney examines how long a person can endure what she describes as “victimhood” in a marriage and what steps, if any, should be taken when the pain becomes daily.

One letter, from a reader identified as Eileen, describes a 24-year relationship, 13 years of marriage, and a husband who is now 62 with a drinking problem that worsened over time. He goes to the pub each night, sometimes returns home lucid and sociable, but more often arrives intoxicated, drinks through dinner, and resists acknowledgment or help. Eileen worries about the future, fears history repeating itself given a previous failed marriage, and wonders whether she should stay for companionship or leave for her own health and happiness. She notes his refusal of treatment, his reluctance to discuss how much he drinks, and concerns about blood pressure and cholesterol if he continues down the same path. Mooney acknowledges the signs of emotional distress and, in some cases, emotional abuse—disrespect, hazardous behavior like drink-driving, and a built-in sense of loneliness when her partner is not sober. The columnist suggests that, at this point, “shock tactics” could be considered: temporarily staying with a friend or family member and leaving a note explaining that life at home with a drunk is no longer tolerable, with a conditional return if the partner seeks help. The recommendation is presented as a wake-up call rather than a guaranteed solution, recognizing that there are no easy answers in such a situation.

Mooney then turns to another letter, this one from a man who describes discovering his wife’s third affair. He recounts the emotional toll—crying on the way home from work, the sense of betrayal, and a search for trust in a relationship that has repeatedly broken down. The reader asks what could be done when fidelity seems impossible and the relationship has already caused lasting pain. Mooney’s response emphasizes that there is no single cure for infidelity, but she encourages therapy, open conversation about trust, and the possibility of a trial separation to regain self-respect and determine whether the partnership can be repaired. She references broader themes about human temptation and the enduring complexity of intimate relationships, illustrating how couples can be drawn into cycles of trust and betrayal that defy simple moral judgments.

The column frames both letters as part of a larger conversation about choice and the line between perseverance and harm. Mooney writes that readers should not expect tidy answers to such intractable problems. She notes that addicts often deny or minimize problems, and she cautions that staying in a relationship out of fear or obligation—without meaningful change—can erode one’s sense of self. She also invites readers to consider whether certain patterns—such as coercive behavior, deception, or endangerment—constitute a form of emotional abuse that may justify stepping back from the relationship.

The piece also contains the columnist’s broader reflections on the question of control. In the accompanying pages, Mooney writes about the temptation to rationalize staying with a partner who is ill or struggling with addiction, while acknowledging the impact on one’s own mental and physical health. She suggests that when the spouse refuses help and refuses to acknowledge the effect of drinking, the question becomes less about enabling the partner and more about protecting oneself. The column advocates for a careful, patient, and honest assessment of what each person can bear, and it cautions against assuming that love alone can mend deeply entrenched issues.

Mooney’s discussion extends beyond the two letters, offering readers a framework for thinking about difficult choices in intimate life. She notes that the aim is not to provide definitive answers but to illuminate the emotional terrain, including fear, loneliness, and the longing for companionship. The column also references the writer’s own approach to difficult topics, including a recurring reminder that victims of long-standing problems deserve consideration and dignity, even when the solution remains unclear.

For readers seeking guidance, Mooney emphasizes practical steps that preserve agency: acknowledge the severity of the situation, seek professional help for the spouse when possible, and consider safety and well-being as priorities. In some cases, she writes, setting boundaries and time-bound conditions for change can prompt action, but she cautions that such measures require support and clear communication. The column also underscores that infidelity and alcohol problems can be deeply destabilizing, and that therapy—whether individual or couples-based—can help individuals reestablish autonomy and self-respect, even if the relationship ultimately ends.

The column’s broader takeaway is that the question of whether to stay or leave is highly personal and situational. Mooney argues that choosing to endure is not a virtue in itself when it comes at the cost of one’s safety and dignity. She reiterates that there is no one-size-fits-all path, and she urges readers to weigh long-term happiness against short-term loyalty, disease and health, honesty, and the shared history that binds partners. In closing, the columnist reiterates her central point: if the situation remains intolerable after genuine attempts at change, choosing a different course—whether a break, separation, or new boundaries—may be necessary to protect one’s sense of self and future.

The ongoing discussion in Mooney’s column reflects a broader cultural conversation about how couples navigate conflict, vulnerability, and resilience. By presenting two very different but equally painful scenarios, the piece invites readers to reflect on their own thresholds for accommodation and the kinds of support that can help them reach a healthier place, whatever their final decision may be.