Column highlights a 'change of pace' moment as a key to arousal, reframing dating dynamics

A relationship advice column has spotlighted a seemingly simple, unscripted moment as a powerful catalyst for arousal, arguing that many women are moved by being desired rather than by scripted performances. The piece, written by Jana Hocking for a U.S. audience, centers on an encounter in which a man leaned in during dinner and uttered a frankly provocative line that made the writer want to act on her own desire in that moment. The point is not the exact words but the effect: a hunger in the other person that feels authentic rather than rehearsed, which in turn heightens mutual attraction and connection.

The columnist frames this moment through a broader lens, invoking relationship therapist Esther Perel. Perel has argued that for many women, arousal stems from the feeling of being wanted, not merely from the sexual act itself. The piece paraphrases that idea to contrast genuine attraction with a reliance on performance—where a performative display can feel hollow if it isn’t accompanied by real anticipation and responsiveness. The writer contrasts a previous partner who delivered a polished, adult-video-style routine with little sense of actual desire or connection, noting that the night wouldn’t have differed if someone else had filled the same role. The central critique is that confidence or technique alone rarely sustains arousal; instead, the emotional texture of being seen and desired matters more to many women.

The article argues that modern dating discourse, shaped by porn culture and certain podcasts, often elevates performance over connection. It suggests that men who focus on impressive moves without reading the room or attuning to a partner’s signals may inadvertently erase the possibility of real chemistry. By emphasizing responsiveness over rote sequences, the column contends, men can avoid the trap of “porn-trained” behavior that lacks genuine attunement to a partner’s needs and cues. The emphasis is not on grand declarations or alpha bravado but on pausing to observe, listening for what a partner is enjoying, and letting desire arise from mutual engagement rather than a memorized routine.

A key idea is the so-called quiet feedback loop that emerges when a man is clearly affected by his partner. The piece describes how being truly attentive can cause both people to soften and lean into each other, transforming sex from a mechanical exchange into a shared, meaningful experience. Eye contact, breathing changes, and hinges in posture are noted as subtle signals that can indicate genuine arousal and consent to continue. In this view, the moment of connection is less about performance and more about attunement—the sense that one partner’s actions land with the other in a meaningful way. This dynamic, the author argues, is what makes intimacy feel alive, intimate, and reciprocal.

For readers navigating dating culture, the piece offers reassurance that attraction does not require complicated maneuvers or relentless certainty. Instead, it points to a practical approach: pay attention, slow down, and show that you want your partner. The author suggests that many women are simply waiting for the reassurance that they are wanted, desired, and emotionally seen in the moment, rather than being treated as a vessel for a rehearsed script. The takeaway is not a universal formula but a reminder that authentic connection—grounded in mutual desire and responsiveness—can create the most powerful, lasting spark.

As a Culture & Entertainment item, the column sits at the intersection of relationship psychology and popular dating discourse. It reframes a frank, personal anecdote into a broader conversation about how desire is cultivated in real time, rather than manufactured through performance. While the advice may read as practical, it also invites readers to consider how media representations of sex—whether in porn, podcasts, or online culture—shape expectations about what counts as desirable. The piece ultimately argues for a more human, attentive approach to dating: one that honors the nuance of desire and the value of being truly seen by a partner.