Dear Abby cautions against pressuring siblings over a 'death-day' party for an abusive father; urges openness about a younger partner
In a pair of letters, the syndicated advice columnist weighs boundaries, healing from trauma, and transparency in romance, reflecting ongoing culture-and-entertainment conversations about family and relationships.
A Dear Abby column published this week tackles a charged family dilemma: must siblings attend a planned “death-day” party to mark the tenth anniversary of an abusive father’s death? In the note from a reader from Florida, identified as “Beyond That in Florida,” one sister has proposed a celebratory dinner at a high-end restaurant followed by a party at home, even including a dart-throwing contest at a picture of the father. The rest of the siblings say they have moved on from trauma—so attending such an event feels like reopening old wounds. They worry that not going could cost them their relationship with the sister who insists on the gathering, and she has threatened not to speak to them again if they refuse.
Abby Van Buren, the syndicated columnist behind Dear Abby, responds by separating personal healing from pressure tactics. She notes that the family’s ability to move forward is a rare and positive outcome after years of abuse, and she cautions against rewarding a self-styled memorial that could re-traumatize survivors. The columnist characterizes the proposed celebration as a misreading of healing, calling the threat of excommunication for non-attendance troubling. Instead of capitulating to the ultimatum, Abby suggests the siblings stand firm in their boundaries and encourage the sister to seek intensive counseling. If she does, she writes, she may begin to process her own pain rather than turning it into a wedge that isolates her from the family. The broader takeaway for readers is that support and healing should not hinge on performing a ritual that privileges the abuser’s legacy over the family’s safety and well-being.
A second reader, “In Love in the South,” asks whether a 36-year-old mother of four should reveal her relationship with a 28-year-old partner who has no children. She has kept the relationship quiet around her mother and extended family out of fear of judgment. Abby’s response emphasizes openness and respect for the partner. Keeping him hidden, the columnist argues, undercuts the relationship and sends a message that the writer is ashamed of her choice. At 36, the reader is described as mature enough to live openly with a partner she loves. The age gap is not presented as a major issue, and Abby notes that if differences such as culture or race arise, the writer may need to stand up to stigma and defend her relationship. In short, the advice is to live transparently and to challenge unwelcome judgments rather than acquiesce to them.
Dear Abby’s guidance is attributed to Abigail Van Buren, the pen name of Jeanne Phillips, who also notes that the column was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. The column’s appearance in outlets across the country reflects its lasting role as a touchstone for navigating not only day-to-day dilemmas but the social expectations that culture and entertainment reporting often highlight. The reader letters summarized in this installment were originally published by the New York Post, which collected and reported on the latest Q&A in late September 2025.
The two questions mirror a broader cultural conversation about trauma, family boundaries, and personal autonomy. On one hand, survivors who have rebuilt their lives may view rituals surrounding a deceased abuser with skepticism or even anger, preferring to honor their own healing rather than participate in celebrations that feel like revenge or reclamation. On the other hand, couples and families navigating judgment about age, culture, or other identity markers face pressure to conform to external expectations, sometimes at the expense of genuine happiness and stability.
In the current media landscape, Dear Abby’s responses continue to shape readers’ conversations about how to balance forgiveness, memory, and boundary setting. The column’s emphasis on seeking professional help when someone remains trapped by trauma—and on being forthright about personal relationships—offers a framework for readers dealing with similar conflicts in culture and entertainment circles where family narratives and romance often intersect with public perception. While the topic in this week’s column is serious, it also underscores the ongoing relevance of frank, compassionate advice in a culture that frequently tests the edges of family loyalty and personal dignity.
Ultimately, the Dear Abby guidance in this installment reinforces a simple but meaningful principle: healing does not require self-imposed rituals that trivialize trauma, and openness does not equate to entitlement to others’ lives. For families dealing with painful legacies and for couples navigating broader social judgments, the goal remains to protect well-being, encourage counseling where needed, and choose paths that build trust and room for growth rather than enforce conformity. The articles and responses reflect a culture-and-entertainment ecosystem that continues to grapple with where healing ends and public performance begins, and how personal choices—especially around family trauma and romantic partnership—are interpreted, scrutinized, and sometimes supported by society at large.
