Grey Hair, Hidden Boundaries and a ‘Work Wife’: Jana Hocking Weighs In on Three reader Dilemmas

A trio of reader letters has the culture-and-entertainment column ASK JANA tackling personal boundaries, self-image and relationship trust in contemporary life. In the latest exchange, columnist Jana Hocking weighs in on a 39-year-old woman choosing to embrace natural grey hair, a partner who fixates on other men, and a pregnancy announcement that leaks through a colleague described as a “work wife.” The responses hew to practical insight about identity, trust and communication in modern partnerships.

In the first letter, a reader identifies as a woman who, after years of dyeing, has stopped tinting her hair to let the natural grey show. She cites a chic, long silver look worn by the fashion editor of British Vogue as inspiration and says the choice feels authentic and empowering. But her husband interprets the change as aging, telling her the look makes her seem older and hinting he might divorce if she returns to blonde. The reader asks whether she is being selfish for choosing to stay grey. Hocking acknowledges the appeal and elegance of silver hair but notes that men are often visually oriented. She explains that, even if the look can read as sophisticated to other women, a partner may interpret it as “grandma” and that threats of divorce over a hair color are not reasonable. Still, Hocking urges respect for the reader’s choice and suggests giving the partner time to adjust, while also encouraging the reader to stay true to what makes her feel most herself. The takeaway is clear: personal authenticity should be honored, and relationships sometimes require adaptation rather than coercion.

A second letter centers on a reader who notices her partner frequently glancing at other men during activities like the gym or at the beach. The reader wonders if such behavior signals hidden sexuality or merely a general habit of noticing attractive people. Hocking frames the phenomenon in two plausible ways. It could be harmless “red Ferrari syndrome,” a common reaction to striking appearances that does not necessarily reflect desire. It could also reflect insecurity or, in rarer cases, a fluid understanding of attraction that the reader’s partner may be hesitant to admit. Rather than leaping to conclusions, Hocking advises an open, nonaccusatory conversation to explore how either partner defines attraction and what that means for their relationship. The aim is to determine whether the behavior is a harmless habit or a sign that needs a deeper discussion about boundaries and expectations. The advice emphasizes communication and avoids labeling or assume a fixed sexual orientation.

In the third letter, a reader shares news of pregnancy after years of trying and asks that the expectant moment be kept private until the second trimester. She becomes unsettled when her husband sends the news to a coworker who had previously been called his “work wife,” a term she never loved, and who now knows the pregnancy before close family and friends. She views the breach as a breach of trust and boundary over a sacred moment. Hocking responds with firm language: this is a boundary violation, and trust is foundational to the relationship. The textual slip is less about the pregnancy itself and more about respect for the reader’s wishes and the family’s privacy. The columnist argues that the husband should acknowledge the violation, reinforce private boundaries, and work to rebuild trust. Forgiveness may be possible, but the episode should catalyze clearer boundaries about what is appropriate to share with the coworker and how much access that person has to intimate family moments.

The column’s stance in these cases centers on straightforward, practical guidance for navigating intimate relationships in the age of social media and workplace overlap. The hair-privacy issue aside, the letters reveal a common thread: many couples confront competing loyalties—between personal authenticity and partner expectations, between openness and privacy, and between casual coexistence and boundary-respecting devotion. Hocking’s responses underscore that there is no one-size-fits-all solution, but there are universal principles: communicate openly, respect each other’s autonomy, and establish clear boundaries that support trust and mutual respect.

The cultural moment surrounding these questions is not isolated to private life. It intersects broader conversations about individuality, fashion and aging in a media landscape that often champions youth, change and resilience. The grey-hair discussion echoes a real-world trend in which public figures embrace natural looks as a rebellion against pressure to stay youthful. The “work wife” dynamic underscores evolving workplace boundaries and how private life moments increasingly intersect with professional networks. In this context, readers look to trusted voices like Hocking for practical, non-judgmental guidance that acknowledges human complexity while prioritizing respect and consent.

For readers who follow the ASK JANA column, the core message remains consistent: assert boundaries, communicate with clarity, and evaluate whether decisions align with personal values while considering the impact on relationship trust. In the grey-hair case, the reader’s sense of self takes precedence over a partner’s preference; in the look-at-others discussion, honest conversations about attraction and boundaries can clarify expectations; in the pregnancy scenario, privacy and consent govern how and when personal news is shared. Taken together, the letters reflect a cultural moment in which personal identity, modern relationships and workplace dynamics require thoughtful negotiation rather than formulaic fixes.

As public interest in relationship dynamics continues to grow, Jana Hocking’s approach offers a measured counterpoint to sensational takes: acknowledge discomfort, validate personal choices, and pursue practical steps that protect both individuals and the partnership. The conversations encourage readers to examine what they want from a relationship and how to cultivate an environment where each partner can be their truest self while remaining committed to one another. In this spirit, the letters in ASK JANA illuminate not just dilemmas of appearance or privacy, but the ongoing negotiation of intimacy in the modern world.