Hoda Kotb reveals epiphany that ended her seven-year relationship with Joel Schiffman

Hoda Kotb says an epiphany at a Hoffman Institute retreat led her to end her seven-year relationship with Joel Schiffman, a conclusion she details in an excerpt from her memoir Jump and Find Joy, out now. In the Today.com excerpt, Kotb describes standing before the institute’s leaders and fellow participants to explain why she was there. 'I am a total phony in my relationships,' she writes, recounting that she told the group she was a 'pretender.'

The revelation helped crystallize a decision that had been circling for some time. Kotb has said the partnership with Schiffman was good but not deepening, and that recognizing the limit of the relationship was a turning point. The couple announced the end of their engagement on Today in 2022, and they remain friends and co-parents to daughters Haley, 8, and Hope, 6.

Kotb elaborated on what she meant by being a 'pretender.' She recalled telling herself that while a relationship might feel acceptable, it wasn’t deepening, and that optimism can push people to try to make things work even when the reality isn’t growing. She writes that she told herself it was time to be honest: 'I think sometimes you know that a relationship is — I would say good — but you think to yourself it’s not deepening.' She added that recognizing that truth can lead to what she called 'one of the best ten-second decisions' of her life.

Today, Kotb says the two are still connected and will always maintain a bond as co-parents. 'We’ve always been connected and will always be connected for many reasons,' she told Today. 'We will co-parent in a beautiful way, but I also think our 'us' is more of a, like, we’re dear friends now. And that’s beautiful, and it’s enjoyable and it feels right.'

Kotb, who is now focused on her family and a renewed search for love, says she is 'longing for a soul connection' and is 'convinced' that there is someone meant for her out there. The couple’s timeline—engaged in 2019 after adopting Haley in 2017 and Hope in 2019—frames the lasting nature of their co-parenting arrangement. When Kotb announced the breakup on air, she explained that they had decided they are better as friends and parents than as an engaged couple, and that they would begin a new year on a different path as loving parents and friends.

Kotb also notes a major professional shift. She stepped away from 'Today' in January after nearly seven years as a co-anchor, choosing to devote more time to her daughters. In a letter to colleagues, she described the decision as painful but necessary, underscoring that it was the right move for her family. Jump and Find Joy is her reflection on that transition and a broader call to pursue joy and authenticity, a theme she says she is actively pursuing as she moves forward.

The account draws on Kotb’s own words from the Today.com excerpt and adds context from public reporting about her personal journey. It highlights how a single moment of candor can alter both personal relationships and career trajectories, a narrative that fits within the broader cultural conversation around honesty, relationships, and resilience in the public eye. Jump and Find Joy, which is out now, positions Kotb not just as a longtime NBC News figure but as someone who is actively reimagining what happiness and partnership can look like after a high-profile relationship.