How to Keep Your Child Calm When You’re Stressed Out

A Time essay by Juli Fraga and Hilary Jacobs Hendel outlines a practical, evidence-informed approach for parents to keep their children calm when adults are stressed. The piece notes that parenting has become increasingly taxing in today’s world, with worries about finances, safety, and the mental health of children compounding daily. It also highlights a swift, biological process known as emotional contagion: children can pick up a parent’s tension from a voice tone or facial expression, triggering cortisol surges even before they understand why. A 2023 survey cited in the essay found that nearly 50% of parents felt completely overwhelmed almost daily. The authors emphasize that while stress can’t be eliminated, it can be prevented from rubbing off on kids by befriending one’s own emotions and learning to respond rather than react.

The core framework rests on four linked steps: acknowledge the stress and ground yourself in the moment; slow down the body; name your emotions; and release emotions through adaptive actions. The authors draw on research about how anchoring in the present—noticing one thing you see and one thing you hear—helps regulate the body and the mind. They also introduce a practical toolkit called the Change Triangle, a concept adapted from psychotherapy to help everyday parents identify their emotional state and move toward calmer responses. The authors caution that stress is not something to conquer overnight, but something that can be managed with steady practice.

Acknowledge stress and ground yourself in the moment. When stress starts to rise, the recommended first step is to acknowledge it and lean into the present. Practitioners advise focusing on the here and now—observe your surroundings and identify one thing you see and one thing you hear. Research on sensory engagement shows that using the senses to anchor attention helps the body regain balance. This practice also communicates to children that difficulty can be faced and managed; it models a way to take charge of a response rather than lets stress overwhelm action.

Slow down the body. The authors note that stress manifests physically—tension in the shoulders or a tight chest—and describe a vivid example that some readers may recognize. A parent they worked with, we’ll call him Chris, recently lost his job. He continued to show up for routines, but his kids picked up on the strain: smiles that faded, impatience at small chores, and a gruff tone even when he said he wasn’t upset. The guidance is to pause and take 60 seconds to slow down: feel your feet on the ground, take five long breaths, and let the belly expand like a Buddha. Then exhale slowly, pressing lips together as if blowing on hot soup. Although deep breathing can feel like a simple trick, studies link belly breathing with activation of the vagus nerve and a reduction in stress hormones, producing real relief.

Name your emotions. The article argues that emotion naming—giving language to what you feel—reduces intensity and helps you choose a clearer path forward. The Change Triangle helps parents identify whether fear, anger, sadness, or another core emotion is driving behavior and then move toward more adaptive actions. In Chris’s case, a scan of his body revealed a fast heart rate and a sense that he might run from danger; he also felt sadness about losing his work and missing his colleagues. By naming these feelings—fear and sadness—he could acknowledge what was happening, which produced a sense of relief. With that awareness, he spoke to his children in a softer tone, shared that he was going through a tough time, and found moments of connection and reassurance.

Releasing emotions with adaptive actions. Core emotions are pre-wired to trigger actions that help us survive. The article notes that adults don’t control these emotions directly, but they can guide their responses. After naming his emotions, Chris found ways to release stress without letting it spill over. He took brisk walks with music, offered himself pep talks, and reminded himself that the stress was temporary. The empirically supported category of “state changers” includes actions like taking a hot shower, exercising, or journaling—habits that shift the nervous system to a calmer baseline. As his body settled, his tone softened, and he was more curious and connected with his kids, who felt more secure in the moment.

Taken together, the practice of acknowledging stress, grounding, naming emotions, and using state-changing strategies can reduce the likelihood that parental tension goes sideways at home. The article reinforces that stress is not a personal failing but a normal response that can be managed with consistent, mindful practice. And it emphasizes that by modeling calm and emotional awareness, parents teach their children to recognize and regulate their own feelings, building resilience over time.