Six red-flag phrases narcissists use to manipulate you during arguments, therapists say

A new look at conflicts in intimate and household relationships highlights six red-flag phrases that therapists say narcissists often use to manipulate the dialogue during an argument. Clinicians emphasize that narcissism exists on a continuum, and disagreeing with someone does not automatically indicate a personality disorder. Still, the phrases and the behaviors that accompany them can steer conversations, deflect responsibility and maintain control over the narrative. Psychotherapists note that a small share of the population has narcissistic personality disorder, ranging roughly from half a percent to as much as 5% in the United States, and that many people may exhibit narcissistic traits without meeting full criteria for a disorder. The point for viewers and readers is to recognize patterns that undermine healthy communication and boundary-setting rather than to label every tense exchange as a clinical diagnosis. The discussion also underscores the importance of seeking help when relationships become emotionally harmful, and of establishing boundaries and supports to protect one’s well-being.

The broader context from clinicians underscores that narcissism is not simply a binary condition. Researchers describe narcissism as a spectrum—from healthy self-esteem to pathological traits and ultimately to narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Criteria for NPD typically include entitlement, a lack of empathy, a constant need for praise, exploiting others, arrogance and grandiosity. Therapists caution that recognizing traits does not mean someone has NPD, but these traits can become pronounced in conflicts and may drive manipulative behavior. In such cases, professionals advise focusing on whether a pattern of controlling behavior persists and how it affects the other person’s safety and well-being. For those grappling with a difficult relationship, therapy can help identify patterns, reinforce personal boundaries and assess the feasibility of continuing the relationship in a healthier form.

1. You’re overreacting. In conflicts involving someone with pathological narcissism or NPD, therapists say the person may repeatedly dismiss, deflect or invalidate your concerns to avoid accountability. The phrase you’re overreacting or you’re too sensitive is often used to control the narrative and make you doubt your own feelings. By discouraging you from speaking up, proponents say, such language can erode your confidence and push you to withdraw rather than push back or seek a resolution.

2. I’m not angry, you’re angry. A common defense mechanism is projection, in which the person disowns their own emotions and attributes them to you. In a heated moment, you may hear that you’re the one who’s angry even as they raise their voice and use condescending language. Psychologists describe this as a tactic to deny vulnerable feelings while shifting responsibility for the emotional impact onto the other person, which can make it harder to address the underlying issue.

3. I can’t believe you’re attacking me, I always get blamed. Many narcissistic patterns revolve around portraying oneself as the perpetual victim. Experts say this victim mentality can be used to elicit sympathy, deflect responsibility and sway others to side with the accuser. By casting themselves as the wronged party, they attempt to control the emotional climate of the exchange and avoid scrutiny of their own behavior.

4. If you loved me, you would do this. Manipulative language in conflicts can hinge on conditional love and threats. Clinicians say these statements aim to coerce a specific action by implying that disagreement could harm the relationship or reveal a lack of care. Such phrases are designed to prod a compliance response rather than invite genuine negotiation or mutual problem-solving.

5. You should have known I was upset. Mind-reading expectations are another hallmark. Those with narcissistic traits may insist that their partner anticipate their emotions without communication, creating a sense of perpetual accountability on the other person to read the unspoken. This can leave the other party walking on eggshells and feeling constantly overwhelmed by unvoiced needs.

6. Long-winded phrases that don’t touch on the point. Some discussions devolve into what therapists call a “word salad”—a tangle of statements that seem to circle the issue without addressing it directly. The goal, experts say, is to overwhelm the listener, obscure accountability and keep the focus on the narcissist’s own narrative rather than on a shared resolution.

A bonus red flag: Little or no negotiation or compromise. When a disagreement lacks any willingness to negotiate toward a solution, therapists say it tends to signal a pattern aimed at controlling the outcome rather than resolving the issue. It can be a red flag that the problem is not the specific complaint but the desire to shape the interaction to the other person’s advantage.

For those who find themselves entangled with someone who uses these patterns, experts suggest prioritizing personal safety and emotional health. Therapy can help individuals recognize the dynamics at play, validate their own experiences and determine boundaries that preserve well-being. Boundaries may include limiting contact, redefining the terms of interaction or, in some cases, choosing to walk away from the relationship altogether if possible. When walking away is not feasible, professionals advise establishing strong boundaries and reducing contact to minimize harm while seeking support from trusted family, friends or community groups.

Understanding the why behind abusive behavior does not excuse the impact. Therapists emphasize that recognizing manipulation is a first step toward protecting oneself and making informed decisions about the relationship. If you are navigating ongoing conflict with someone who exhibits these patterns, it may be appropriate to seek a therapist, counselor or other licensed professional who specializes in relationship dynamics and emotional health.

Ultimately, the goal for individuals facing this dynamic is to safeguard their physical and emotional needs, cultivate a support network and pursue resources that help them make informed choices about continuing or altering the relationship. In many cases, establishing clear boundaries, practicing self-care and seeking professional guidance can improve safety and emotional outcomes, regardless of whether the relationship endures.

Therapists urge ongoing awareness of these patterns, not to stigmatize ordinary disagreements, but to recognize when manipulation crosses into a pattern that harms mental health. With the right supports, individuals can better navigate conflict, protect themselves and determine the healthiest path forward.