Women say they feel ‘trapped’ caring for sick spouses; expert outlines legal, financial and emotional options

Hundreds of women who describe themselves as unhappy in their marriages say they feel unable to leave after a partner is diagnosed with a serious illness, according to a column by UK-based relationship writer Tracey Cox. Cox sets out practical steps and sources of support for people who find themselves caring for a spouse they no longer love or who were abusive before they became ill.

In the column, Cox published accounts from women who said a diagnosis — frequently multiple sclerosis in the examples she cited — transformed an already difficult relationship into one they felt morally and practically bound to sustain. Some said they feared condemnation from family or their community; others said they could not afford to support themselves or their children alone and felt their role as a carer left them without choices.

Cox urged readers in those situations to prioritise their own emotional safety and to get specialist advice before making decisions. She recommended contacting domestic-abuse organisations, carers’ support services and a solicitor as early steps, noting that abuse is not a reason to stay even after a diagnosis. She also advised telling relevant medical professionals and the ill partner’s family if the intention is to withdraw from a caregiving role.

The column outlines multiple practical considerations people should weigh, beginning with the likely duration and severity of the partner’s illness. Cox wrote that some people may find it reasonable to stay if a condition is short-lived and they will receive help from family, friends or paid carers, but that long-term caregiving obligations can mean a different calculus about leaving.

Financial dependence was a dominant theme in the accounts Cox shared. Several women said they had left the paid workforce to raise children and rebuilt little or no independent income, leaving them reliant on a spouse who earned more. Cox recommended consulting a lawyer for a preliminary assessment of likely settlements and looking into benefits, retraining, part-time work and temporary shared housing to reduce immediate financial vulnerability. She advised recording financial information, including copies or screenshots of account balances and investments, where possible, to clarify assets in the event of a separation.

Cox also addressed the impact of staying on children. She cited research and clinical guidance suggesting that high-conflict homes are more harmful to children than relatively amicable separations, and that the way parents communicate and co-parent after a split strongly influences child outcomes. Cox suggested that if parents can separate with low hostility and preserve routines and relationships, children often cope better than when they witness persistent bitterness or parental withdrawal.

Cultural and religious pressures that can make leaving feel impossible were another frequent concern. Cox told readers from communities where divorce is taboo to seek confidential guidance from faith-based women’s networks or neutral charities, and to build discrete support systems. She urged planning in small, pragmatic steps — identifying sympathetic friends or relatives, mapping possible living arrangements, and knowing available local resources — rather than attempting an abrupt break without preparation.

For those who cannot bring themselves to leave immediately, Cox recommended increasing emotional independence through regular breaks, hiring carers, joining classes or volunteering, and in some cases, living separately while remaining legally married. She recounted examples in which people told family they had moved for work to make a separation easier to explain.

Cox emphasised that decisions about staying or leaving are intensely personal and often nonbinary. She recommended early consultations with solicitors (many offer one free initial meeting), contacting domestic-abuse organisations where appropriate, and using carers’ support groups to explore respite and alternatives. Where violence or coercive behaviour predates an illness, she said, people should not feel obliged to become unpaid carers for an abuser.

Mental-health experts not quoted in the column have previously warned that long-term caregiving without support raises risks of depression, anxiety and physical health decline among carers. National charities and health services typically provide carer assessments that can identify eligibility for respite services, domiciliary care and benefits; Cox urged readers to pursue those assessments and to document the demands of caregiving when seeking help.

Cox’s guidance is practical: combine legal information with medical and social supports, weigh likely timelines for care needs, and plan financially and logistically before making an irreversible step. She wrote that reclaiming agency — understanding options, building support, and taking incremental steps toward independence — can make it possible to make a decision that balances moral concerns, personal wellbeing and the needs of any children involved.

People seeking help can contact national domestic-abuse helplines, carers’ organisations and local council adult social services for assessments and information on respite and financial entitlements. Cox’s column framed leaving not only as an act that requires legal and financial preparation, but as one that should be approached with emotional support and professional advice to reduce harm for all involved.