Neuroscientist Says 'Calm Down, Grandma' Is the Best Comeback to an Insult

A neuroscientist has proposed a three-word retort he says is the most effective response to an insult: "Calm down, grandma." Dr. Dean Burnett, a lecturer and author who wrote about the tactic for BBC Science Focus, said the line can defuse a jibe by shifting perceived social status and making the insulter appear less authoritative or fashionable.

Burnett said the success of such a comeback rests less on the words themselves and more on denying the insulter power in the exchange. "You’ve put them in the category 'Older, unfashionable, out-of-touch people,' which makes them look worse," he wrote, adding that the tactic can be particularly striking if, for example, the speaker is a young man who could not plausibly be one's grandparent. He offered other examples that use the insulter's own words to undercut them, such as responding to a remark about an attractive partner with, "Would you like me to explain it to you? With crayons?" or embracing a put-down in a self-deprecating way: "I should hope so, I’ve spent enough money to get this way."

Burnett cautioned that the effectiveness of any retort depends on the insult, the context and the relationship between the people involved. He said the suggested lines share a central theme: they prevent the insulter from gaining raised status and let the target retain control of the narrative. The approach can also use humour to defuse tension and sometimes even make the insulter laugh, he said.

Burnett linked the discussion to a growing body of research that treats verbal attacks as more than trivial. He said the old adage "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" is misleading. "Criticisms and rejection cause brain activity that's indistinguishable from actual pain," he wrote, noting that insults can leave emotional wounds.

That perspective is consistent with research from Liverpool John Moores University published in BMJ Open. The study analysed data from more than 20,000 adults in England and Wales and found that childhood verbal abuse was associated with adult mental-health outcomes comparable to those linked with physical abuse. Participants exposed to taunts or other forms of verbal abuse during childhood were more likely to report feelings of disconnection, pessimism and emotional ill health in later life. "Our research shows verbal abuse in childhood may inflict mental health scars as deep and enduring as those caused by physical abuse," the study's lead author, Professor Mark Bellis, said.

Psychological and neuroscientific work has increasingly treated social rejection and harsh criticism as stimuli that engage the same neural circuits as physical pain. Burnett and other researchers say recognising the seriousness of verbal harm underlines why strategies for handling insults matter not only for immediate social interactions but also for long-term mental well-being.

Experts stress, however, that quick retorts are not a substitute for other responses when abuse is sustained or severe. While a pithy comeback may defuse a passing insult or blunt a would-be aggressor's aim, ongoing verbal abuse — especially that experienced in childhood — typically requires broader interventions, including therapeutic support.

Burnett framed the proposed comebacks as pragmatic tools for everyday exchanges: they aim to regain control, neutralise the intended hurt and, when possible, introduce levity. He described several classes of responses beyond reversing status: co-construction, where the target accepts and reframes the criticism to their advantage; literal rephrasing that exposes absurdity; and direct humour designed to make the insulter look small.

Researchers and clinicians say awareness that words can cause lasting harm should inform both personal responses and broader policy and support structures. The BMJ Open study’s sample size and national scope reinforced calls from child-welfare specialists to take verbal abuse seriously and for parents, educators and policymakers to prioritise emotional safety alongside physical protection.

When used judiciously, Burnett and others argue, short, clever replies can be a useful tactic in the repertoire for handling insults. They can defuse immediate tension and, by refusing to grant the insulter higher status, limit the potential emotional impact. At the same time, the scientific literature underscores that the harms of repeated verbal abuse are real, measurable and, in some cases, as damaging as physical forms of mistreatment.